I decided to write a post about Anorexia (even though I hate this word) because so far I’ve been telling you more about bulimia or “binge eating”, but anorexia is also a complex mind distortion, which is very difficult to understand from the outside.
You never really realize that you are “anorexic”. It is only other people who stigmatize you as such. You are conscious that you’ve been losing weight gradually, but you don’t feel bad about it. You actually feel quite proud that you’ve been able to shed a few pounds off. And you have no reason to eat when you no longer feel hungry.
I remember when I was really really thin, I was eating quite a lot: vegetables, fish, fruits. I had cut down on the pasta, rice and bread. But I liked to have it once in a while. I was exercising a lot, and I was feeling very light in my life in general. When I was going to bed, it felt as if I was laying on a cloud.
I couldn’t stand other people’s remarks saying that I was too thin. To me, they had to mind their own business. If I wanted my dressing on the side, it was my problem, not theirs. After all, I was kind to anyone, so they had no reason to criticize my habits.
I got furious at my mom for telling me what I had to eat, and how much. What the h***? She would really never stop being behind my back? I was an adult, I was responsible and grateful for everything my parents gave me. So could she just not leave me alone?
My boyfriend noticed I kept on losing weight even though I was already really thin, so he bought me some raspberry jam and Nutella as he knew I loved it, but even though I ate half the pots, I didn’t gain any weight.
I think I had reached a point where my body was just so undernourished that I would have needed to eat twice the daily amount of food than that of a normal person to stabilize my weight or to put on a bit back.
And it felt quite good, to eat fries and steak once a week (double portion) without putting on any weight!
I started to realize there was an issue when after a year, I still didn’t have my periods while iused to be so regular…
And suddenly I got scared…Did it mean that I would not be able to have kids later on? Was my body really in danger?
It was probably the only thing for which I would have accepted to put on a bit of weight…But still, I was SO SCARED to gain weight….I thought that if I gained 1 kilo, I would gain 1 more, and then 1 more, and then go back to being “fat”.
Girls (or boys): if I can give you one advice: please don’t be afraid to seek some professional help. You will know that deep inside, you are not stable emotionally… And that you feel extremely misunderstood by others….
This is the most difficult part. You will notice that something is just not right, that you get easily emotional about things, and that your mood starts to swing.
Don’t worry about your food intake, it will get back to normal once you are able to heal from the inside, and to find peace with your inner self.