A slow recovery

be freeSo when I told you previously in my post that I was going to get some professional help to deal with bulimia, I can guarantee you that the next morning, I went to see the best psychiatrist in Marylebone, and told her my story from A to Z (even though I struggled to articulate some parts as I got really emotional…).

And it felt so good to put it all on the table, and know that somebody was gonna take it from there. All I had to do is promise that I would do my homework, assiduously, for as long as the healing process would take. That was fine with me: filling in a food journal and writing down what I was feeling whenever I ate something…I could surely handle this!

And so it began… My therapist-V*-saved me… I was telling her how I felt about everything, and she wasn’t judging, but she was giving me pieces of advice week after week. Thanks to her, I managed to identify my binge triggers:

– feeling tired, bored or lonely
-breaking a dietary rule that I set for myself
-not eating enough during a meal, or forgetting to eat a snack
-drinking a bit too much alcohol and feeling dis-inhibited

V* also told me that as long as I would use the word “should”, I would feel miserable. I needed to focus more about what I “wanted” to do.
Thanks to her, I also left my scale on the shelf for a while, as I finally understood that daily weight changes were all about fluid fluctuations…

I also managed to take a step back and change my relationships with others by being honest with them (especially my Mom, my boyfriend, and my boss). It may sound weird, but they were the people who had the biggest influence on me. And I could never say No to my Mom, I was struggling to confront my boyfriend on some topics, and I was scared to tell my boss that I wanted to change teams to evolve in my career.

Little by little, I began to face the truth, and take small actions to improve my relationships and feel more independent emotionally. And suddenly, I felt happy to go out again, see some friends, drink some wine, laugh about silly things!

Of course the binges didn’t disappear like this, but within 3 months, I stopped waking up during the night to empty the fridge, which was a HUGE relief….

And the daily binges began to space out, as V* helped me to reintroduce some foods that I had banished from my diet, such as Nutella, cheesecake, chocolate, deserts, pastas, pizzas, oil, butter and so on…

My mood was much better already. And V* played a crucial part in making Pierre understand what I was going through and asking him to support me peacefully.

It took me a while to have a normal breakfast again, and not a “grazy feast” but I can’t imagine how I’ve lived without the smell of warm toasts in the morning for so long now…And I now also have a Croissant once in a while!

The whole concept of healing is knowing that you can eat a specific aliment whenever you want, for breakfast/dinner/lunch, without feeling guilty about it…

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